Warning: This is going to get bitchy and mildly entertaining.

Today is Hayley's birthday party for her friends and her best friend can't come because I don't think her mother likes me.  This sucks for my daughter!!  I just want to march down the street to this lady's house and punch her in the neck ala Chuck Norris Style!  I have called her like 6 times this summer and left messages to see if the kids can come over to play and she won't return my calls....bitch!

On a different rant, people who litter or purposely leave their trash in the grocery cart make me want to run them down and return their garbage.  If you know me at all, I would totally do this!  (I'll tell you that story in a minute.)
Some lady pushed her cart to the cart return at Wal-Mart after she had emptied her minivan's trash into it!!  There was a mother freakin trash can right there!!  If I hadn't had my kids in the car, I would have run her down!!  I may have been a little irritated leaving Wal-Mart with the girls after the above incident.

On a less violent note: have you seen the AS SEEN ON TV section before you leave Wal-Mart?  Well, I was looking at all of the crap there because my cashiers was like turtle slow yesterday.  They have these things called Cuddlee Critters for your dog.  It is a stuffed animal without the stuffing, so your dog doesn't yank it all out and make a mess...they are $9!!!  Are you freaking kidding me?!?!?  I could go to Goodwill and fill my living room full of stuffed animals for $9 then let my dog go to town on them, clean up afterwards and she'd have 75 cuddly critters for $9!  DUMB!

They also have these pajama jeans, your not fooling anyone and who is going to pay $39.95 for pajama pants!!

Warning: the next story may make you pee your pants!!  Go get a towel to sit on...go ahead, I'll wait!

 As I was telling you above, I would have like to have returned the garbage to these dumb asses, but I showed restraint and didn't...it was because the kids were with me.  Here is a story of one time I did not show restraint.

When Mr. TSL and I bought our first house it had been vacant for 3 years and the neighbor had let the dog use our yard as a potty.  I was pretty preggo when we bought it and I hadn't even noticed.  When the previous owner handed us the keys he said good luck with the neighbor's dogs.  Not a good sign!

After like 2 weeks of continued pooping in our yard, I was getting irritated. Plus it was stinky!  See these weren't dogs, but rather large horses. Bull mastifs...horse sized dogs!  And she had 5 of them!!! They pooped giant piles of poop, which often had parts of their laundry in it...you know socks, undies, the occasional Tshirt!
 ADD kickin in there!  Just trying to paint a picture.  After 2 weeks, the neighbor, her daughters and her boyfriend all came out and pooper scooped it all up!!  I said to Mr. TSL, they're not too bad!

Then a few months passed, they never picked it up again....but the pooping continued!  I am at this point even more preggo!  *(still painting the picture) I walked out to get the mail through the yard and stepped in a fresh pile barefoot!!  I was pissed off!!  After spraying my foot off in the hose, I called the city compliance officer.  She told me we had no leash law in our area, but if they were in our yard to call her and she could pick the dogs up and the neighbor would have to pay to get them back.

This would have been fine if she didn't just let them out, they'd poop and go right back in.  The compliance officer would have to set up a sting operation and catch the giant bastards doing their business in our yard...not going to happen.  Then she said something that would change the fate of how I was to spend the rest of that day.....  "You could just return their property."  What?  I could return it...Awesome!

I got out the shovel and spent like 2 hours throwing giant horse piles of dog shit back into her driveway (some may have hit her house and slid down..okay most of them did)  After all was said and done, I went in took a nap, Mr. TSL got home from work, we had dinner and settled in for some TV.  Then I get a knock on the door...it's the police.

She actually called the cops on me.  This is how the conversation went:

Officer: Ma'am did you throw dog poop in your neighbor's yard today?
Me: Yep
Officer: Why?
Me:  I was just returning her property.    She lets her dogs shit in my yard and I stepped in it today (remember, I am like 7 months pregnant and my tone in this conversation is like Julie Andrews in the sound of music!)

Angry Neighbor: Oh, yeah you have dogs too!!
Officer to Angry Neighbor: You mean to tell me you called the police because your dogs crapped in her yard and she returned it?

Angry Neighbor:  She has dogs too.
Me to Officer:  I'll be right back.

Me (holding up both of my chihuahuas with one hand): These are my dogs.  The piles of shit are bigger than my dogs!!
Me to Neighbor: If you find any little tiny turds, toss them back my way and I apologize, as for your dogs keep them out of my fucking yard!!

Officer to Neighbor: Next time you waste my time like this, I'll write you a ticket.

Mr. TSL is trying not to laugh at this point, see I had forgot to tell him about my pooper scooper adventure that day so, he was just learning of it!!

The next day she brought me apology chocolate chip cookies on a frisbee.  We promptly threw away the cookies and the frisbee!


-Make your life beautiful!!